Tapes
by s0thathappened
Summary: Penryn leaves messages for Raffe in cassette tapes. Here's a glimpse into a few them.


**Tape 1:**

"Hey, Raffe. If you're listening to this, then...you know what this means. At least, I hope I got around to explaining what all these are to you. Or that Thermo or Howler or Paige have…

I'm already screwing this up. Let me start over. Remember when we passed through my old house? And we found an entire box of clean tape cassettes in one of the closets? I had insisted on bringing them back but I never told you why.

Back when my dad was still around, there was a time he used to work two jobs. He'd be gone most nights and mornings. He would come back home to sleep when I was at school and would leave before I get back home. I looked after Mom and Paige when he wasn't around, but sometimes days would go by before I would see him. He started leaving cassette tapes for Paige and I to listen to as we were getting ready for the day. He had boxes and boxes of them from an old warehouse job and we might have been the last people in Silicon Valley messing around with tapes and...sorry, I went off on a tangent. That part isn't important.

My point is that Dad used to leave tapes for us every morning so even when he couldn't be there, Paige and I knew he was still thinking about us. He could have left us notes, but he always told us that there was no better sound in the world than the voice of someone you love.

I can't stop thinking about what he said. I already have a hard time remembering my dad's voice, or my friend's voices from before the world had gone completely sideways. I can't imagine what it would feel like to never hear your voice again. It hurts too much to even imagine.

That's why I'm doing this, you see. You're going to live forever and I won't. Someday I'm going to have to leave. And I'm sorry for that.

I know that if our places were switched, a couple of tapes would never be enough to make things okay. But I wanted you to have something for after the time comes, if you're ever feeling alone, if you just need...I don't know. Something. Anything.

I have journals, too. Well, more like letters. I started writing them not too long after Half Moon Bay. For you and Paige and the rest of our family. These tapes won't last forever. Either the player will break or the tapes will get worn out if you play them too much or they get too old.

But I still want you to have these, even if only for a little while.

I'm going to try to do one of these every week, so I'll talk to you again soon, alright?

I love you, Raffe. Now and always."

 _Click._

* * *

 **Tape 7:**

"...so after I finished with the council, I had to meet with all the new settlers. You think that people would want to move back to their old places after the world's end turned out to be more like an extended intermission, but what do I know? Everyone seems to want to come together than be apart. Not that it's exactly kumbaya all the time-people manage to still bicker and fight over the dumbest things. Did I tell you about that time someone accidently punched me in the face over carrots?"

There was a sigh.

"I really should stop telling you about my day in these things. It's so boring. But...it's what we always do, you know? At the end of the day, after both of us dealt with a bunch of mini-disasters, we would talk about it over dinner. It's so domestic and normal that it's weird. But it's one of the favorite parts of my day. I think it's yours, too. But I won't tell anyone. I know your have your reputation to protect.

In case you're wondering what I do between me coming home and you coming home, this is it. Sit on the roof and talk to future you on this tape, and wait for present you to come back. It's not that much time, but it still gives me the chance to go over the day and edit out the boring parts.

I think I see you off in the distance so I'm going to stop recording now. I'll talk to you again soon. Love you."

 _Click._

* * *

 **Tape 23:**

"Well, we just had a big fight so this is probably the worst time to record a message right now. But whatever. I'm not mad anymore. Okay, maybe I'm a little mad. But mostly tired. And sorry.

It's just so exhausting every time we argue, like _really_ argue. I know you think I'm the stubborn one, but you take it a whole other level. And this time it was over something so stupid I don't want to even tell you about it.

The worst part is that, this time, I know you're right. Not that I'm ready to tell you that, yet. It's so hard being in charge of this place because most of them time I can't figure out if I even know what I'm doing or not. Ugh. That doesn't make any sense. It just gets scary and then I get defensive and lash out. It's wrong, I know.

It's pretty stupid to wait to apologize, but I don't care. It's not like I'm getting any sleep with you sleeping in the Watchers' apartment instead of here, so I'm getting punished in my own special way.

In a weird way, I'm kind of okay with us fighting. I know the first few times I was terrified you'd just leave and never come back. But you always did. You always do. I'm glad that even when we sometimes don't like each other-and right now, I really, really don't like you-we still have each other's backs. Even when it's not all roses and sunshine and romance. Even when I call you a jerk or a pretty boy with pigeon feathers.

I am not totally sorry about that last one. Yet. But I still love you."

 _Click._

* * *

 **Tape 36:**

"I told Howler about the tapes-so he'll know to give them to you when the time comes.

He suggested I put in a dirty recording as a surprise for you.

Never going to happen. So don't get your hopes up. Perv."

 _Click_

* * *

 **Tape 45:**

"You know, I think I'm a bit concerned by how codependent we've become. I'm down in Los Angeles right now, meeting with all the world leaders for the "okay the world really isn't going to end soon so we really have to think about rebuilding" party. They're calling it the Reconstruction and Unity Summit or whatever, but I think my name is catchier.

I'll tell you more about it when I get back. I don't really have much to do other than being the random nobody who led the Battle of Half Moon Bay. It's not like the U.K or China or Australia or anyone cares about how rebuilding San Francisco with 20% of the population is going, but I guess it's a courtesy thing.

Surprisingly, everyone seems to be getting along. You know, in a posturing-bickering-passive-aggressive kind of way. I think the arguments between countries kind of die down when we all have a common enemy as humanity-no offense, Raffe.

Anyway, it's been only four days, and it's still hard to sleep without you here. That's some serious codependency. Or maybe you're snoring away peacefully back home and I'm just the one who can't keep it together. And yes, you do snore. Stop living in denial.

You'd think since it's been almost a year since our lives were constantly at risk, I would sleep like a baby, but nope. I'm still operating at 200% survival mode. At least when you're around, I can get some decent rest. Or someone to calm me down after the nightmares.

Sorry about that, by the way. I know it can't be easy on you, even if you say it's fine. The person next to you waking up shaking and crying on the regular isn't exactly a pleasant wake-up call. Being with you makes the nightmares a lot less worse, but I can't tell you that. I don't want you to worry more about me when we're away from each other.

I know you get them, too. Nightmares. Not as much as me, but I know they're pretty bad. I hope that I help you through yours as much you help me with mine. I hope that you're not having any right now. I hope that you're still not having them by the time you get around to listening to this. I hope that this stupid summit will end early so I can go home, to you and Paige and the family.

I'm going to stop whining now. Love you."

 _Click._

* * *

 **Tape 73:**

"Back when the war ended, I told you that we should stick around for a little while to help get everyone back on their feet. And then we can go off to our pig farm or whatever so we can be left alone. It's been over a year now, and we're still both playing leader and commander, but I promise you we'll walk away from it all someday. But thank you so much for sticking with me so far. For helping build something incredible here. For believing in me and supporting me every step of the way. Even if I tell you that every day, it still wouldn't be enough. So here's one more time.

 _Click._

* * *

 **Tape 1:**

"Hey, Raffe. If you're listening to this, then...you know what this means. At least, I hope I got around to explaining what all these are to you. Or that Thermo or Howler or Paige have…

I'm already screwing this up. Let me start over. Remember when we passed through my old house? And [...] why.

Back when my dad was still around, there was a time he used to work two jobs. He'd be gone most nights and mornings. He would come back home to sleep when I was at school and would leave before I get back home. I looked [...] part isn't important.

My point is that Dad used to leave tapes for us every morning so even when he couldn't be there, Paige and I knew he was still thinking about us. [...]

...can't imagine what it would feel like to never hear your voice again. It hurts too much to even imagine.

That's why I'm doing this, you see. You're going to live forever and I won't. Someday I'm going to have to leave. And I'm sorry for that.

I know that if our places were switched, a couple of tapes would never be enough to make things okay. But I wanted you to have something for after the time comes, if you're ever feeling alone, if you just need...I don't know. Something. Anything.

I have journals [...] These tapes won't last forever. Either the player will break or the tapes will get worn out if you play them too much or they get too old.

But I still want you [...] so I'll talk to you again soon, alright?

I love you, Raffe. Now and always."

 _Click._

* * *

 **Tape 1:**

"Hey, Raffe. If you're listening to [...] through my old house? And [...] why.

Back when my dad [...] before I get back home. I looked [...] part isn't important.

My [...] still thinking about us. [...] You're going to live forever and I won't. Someday I'm going to have to leave. And I'm sorry for that.

[...] if our places were switched[...] if you're ever feeling alone, if you just need...I don't know. Something. Anything.

I have journals [...] These tapes won't last forever. Either the player will break or the tapes will get worn out if you play them too much or they get too old.

But I still want you [...] so I'll talk to you again soon, alright?

I love you, Raffe. Now and always."

 _Click._

* * *

 **Tape 1:**

"Hey, Raffe. If you're listening to [...] You're going to live forever and I won't. Someday I'm going to have to leave. And I'm sorry for that.

[...] if you're ever feeling alone, if you just need [...] These tapes won't last forever. [...] the tapes will get worn out if you play them too much [...] so I'll talk to you again soon, alright?

I love you, Raffe. Now and always."

 _Click._

* * *

 **Tape 1:**

"Hey, Raffe. If you're listening to [...] You're going to live forever and I won't. Someday I'm going to have to leave. And I'm sorry for that.

[...] if you're ever feeling alone, if you just need [...] These tapes won't last forever. [...] the tapes will get worn out if you play them too much [...]

I love you, Raffe. Now and always."

 _Click._

* * *

 **Tape 1:**

"[...] You're going to live forever [...] if you're ever feeling alone, if you just need [...] the tapes will get worn out if you play them too much [...]

I love you [...] always."

 _Click._

* * *

 **Tape 1:**

"[...] forever [...] alone [...] the tapes [...] worn out if [...] too much [...]

I love you [...] always."

 _Click._

* * *

 **Tape 1:**

"[...] love you [...] always."

 _Click._

* * *

 **Tape 1:**

"[...] always."

 _Click._

* * *

 **Tape 1:**

"[...]"

 _Click._

* * *

 ** _Note from me:_**

In case it isn't clear, Raffe is playing the tapes over again and again and again until they wear out and you can't hear anything from them.  
Anyway, I'm going to try to hurry up and finish my other fics I have in the works so this isn't my contribution for Christmas. Because this is a bit too dark.


End file.
